I guess I've been in a contemplative mood these last days. This last year humbled me & opened my eyes. Most of you know, I lost my job. It was a hard time, but I might have been the happiest I've been since grade school. I've been clinically depressed since 6th grade. That's about 20 years of my life. Losing my job, made me prioritize me. Made me tell myself, I'm important. I've never thought about that. I listen to a band whose key phrase is "Keep Your Heart." They use it multiple times in several songs. I like it. I say it to myself multiple times throughout the day just get me through.
Looking back, I was prepared for many, many rainy days. I'm grateful for that talent from really my Grandpa (Ralph). (My extended family is a weird picture. I really didn't know my Grandparents, Uncle (Mom' brother), Aunt (Dad's sister), or cousin (Yes, singular.)) I horde money. Deciding to go to school soon after the L.O., I didn't get unemployment. I tried many times to get what I deserved, but I wasn't going to lie about what I was up to. That savings SAVED me from having to worry. I lived on that, my small student loan, a $500 CC, & my sacred collection of one dollar bills (From many good nights at work. Wink.) up until recently (New job). If I could give any of you some advice, prepare for a rainy day. You never know when it will come.
School was a godsend. I needed a shove to get me up on campus. I still picture my first day. I got up there early (I didn't want to be late for my first day. That comes from Bernice.) and just sat below Old Main in awe. With the canyon wind blowing at gael force, I knew that's where I needed to be. It took 12 years. Yes, I wish I would have started sooner, but if I would've went right from high school, I would have quit. The social part would have killed me. Most of you know, I'm a loner. Sure, I have friends, but I'm not afraid to be by myself. At almost 32 (I hate the number 31. I will never tell people I'm 31; I say "I turn 32 this year.") socially, I DON'T care. Certainly, I wish I could talk to my campus crush, but I know that's me. It'll happen. I don't know when, how, or who, but things will fall into place. I learned so much last school year. The main thing was I like to learn. School was fun to go to class & even take tests. Especially, when I did well. Kids don't know that yet. They are all in a hurry. I want that too, but working sucks. School is so much easier than the drudgery of a 9 to 5. I savor every minute I'm up there.
I'm grateful for my parents. I don't know what I did for 6-7 years while they were in Hawaii. Seriously. It's good to be able to escape to Eagle Mountain and have no worries. They've helped me more than I can say. Also, the support from all my friends & the rest of my family. I know many, many, many prayers were sent my way. There were many times I didn't know what to do. Being depressed, the thoughts would circle. I just knew Logan & Cache Valley was where I needed to be right now. I don't know why; I may never know. It's all part of a plan. One shout out to my friend Mandilyn, thank you for getting me out of the house and more importantly my head. Every time I was low, you called and invited me to dinner, meet to get Nick & Norah, or go get a cupcake. Thank you so much. To all, I don't say I love you or thank you enough, but I hope you all know I imply it.
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